Being jokes

The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.

The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.

The French salute starts with your hands in the air.

The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.

Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.

Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?

As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers. : )

I couldn't imagine being Abe Lincoln, that would be mind-blowing!

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"

I always hated being born a Catholic as a kid. The way you have to keep kneeling down, bending over, and standing up all within a few minutes of each other while at church. I was always thinking, “For God’s sake, just pick a position and fuck me!”

How do you stop a MeToo feminazi from telling the world about being raped? Easy: just rape her mouth shut.

What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile?

Just trying to fit in.

Down syndrome kid: Stop being greedy with the Legos! Me: Stop being greedy with the chromosomes!

Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.

How is being gay like a geology class? You can lick all the rocks you want.

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.

What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?

Anonymouse.

My opinion on abortion is very divided. Like, on the one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I'm not really into this thing about women being able to make choices.