Being jokes
What happens when you fail to be an emo? You don't make the cut.
"I want to know who this fake me is! I haven't even posted or commented on anything bad or said a curse. I am very kindly asking you to stop."
You wonder where my dad is.
Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!
Why should cemeteries be built next to orphanages?
So the orphans can see their parents.
I want a bigger couch.
Why? You're going to be in the kitchen most of the time anyway.
Why do orphans commit crimes?
Because they want to be wanted.
Why can't orphans be home schooled?
Because they have no parent to home school them.
If Leo were any slower, she’d be going BACKWARD.
Could it be ligma?
Ligma balls, daddy!
Why did the Ice Cube complain about being so warm? Because he was dropped on the floor.
A famous celebrity admitted that she was non-straight, suffered from a rare condition that changed the colour of her skin, did not age well, only wanted to be compensated for her work in the 5th month of each year at her favourite store while laying down:
TO GET FAYE'S WAY, PAY GRAY, GRAY, GAY FAYE WRAY IN MAY AND LAY HER DOWN AT "THE BAY". OK!!!
When there's a news story of people who have died en masse, for example from explosions and fires.
Other people are all "oh no that's terrible!"
Pfft shut up, lying asshole. Trying to be "nice".
I'm like "YAY EXCITING. I don't like being bored hearing 'good news' all of the time."
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like.
Uranus be like, "Oh look, I'm Uranus. Imagine how disgusted I feel."
Your mama is so ugly that when she stood on the scale, it said "to be continued."
How to be a hero.
1. Tie a noose in your front yard.
2. Find and capture a furry.
3. Hang that furry because they deserve it.
It’s easy as 1-2-3!
It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.
Weird.
Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.
You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.
What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.