Being jokes

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

I exist.

What kind of experience does a feminazi have for being a feminist?

Being a bitch.

What is the epitome of being quick on the draw?

Coming both first and last in the same round of "soggy biscuit".

If I ever have a YouTube channel, I'm pretty sure it would be called "101 Things NOT To Do With Electrical Sockets."

What's something you shouldn't tell a paraplegic that's being confronted by a bully?

Just walk away.

No matter how black the person is, that cum will still be the whitest thing you'll ever see.

Yo momma so slutty, she won't even be offended by this joke.

There may be hope for Stephen Hawking yet.

His nose runs.

When Stephen Hawking's teacher asked him, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

He said, "Six foot four."

Some people like Stephen Hawking jokes, but he will never be a stand-up comedian.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I walk into school, and look up praying.

"Man, would be a shame if the buildings fell from an airplane."

Nothing happened. There is no God.

LEGO Ninjago - I like it, okay?

Which of the ninja would be best for an undercover mission as the person in disguise?

Kai. He just has to leave his hair down and no one would know it was him. He uses hair gel, as Cole has said a couple times I think, because his hair looks like fire 🔥!

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

Two men are sitting at a coffee table.

Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."

Joe: "Why do you say that?"

Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."

Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."

Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."

My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.

Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.

I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.

What do you call a Titan who can't swim?

Titanic!

Imagine the Titanic with a lisp. It would be unthinkable. My version is imagine the Titanic with a lisp, it would be unsinkable.

What did the front half of the Titanic say to the other half when it hit the iceberg? I'm breaking up with you.

A toaster and a slice of whole wheat bread sit together in the sauna.

After five minutes, the bread starts to sweat extremely and says: "Oh, I think I'm going to be a toast in here!"

The toaster just looks at it bored from the side and replies: "Don't get upset. I'm just here to really switch off."