My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
What's the difference between a cheater and your mom?
They both cheated!
Squirrel: I got a joke.
Dog: What the hell is it?
Squirrel: I clicked my nuts and clicked my poop.
I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To check in on his flat mate.
Kid: Aye, Mum, I'mma do something Dad could never do.
Mum: And that is?
*Kid walks out.*
*Kid comes back in with milk.*
Mum: I'mma beat ya ass!
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.
Is your tap water running well?
Beta, go catch it!
What do you call a pissed off midget?
A micro-aggression.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
Why did the farmer eat a fork?
'Cause he's a dumbass.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut!
So dark.
Many jokes about orphans.
God, this is the second worst thing to happen to these orphans!
Why wasn’t the frog 🐸 crying?
Because he was hoppy.
Get a fucking life, you horny bastards!
Aren't I badly good?
What do you call a dumb and mean crocodile?
A crookodile.
The other day I was in the park and got bored, so I found an orphan and punched him in the face, laughed at him, and said, "Whatcha gonna do, tell your parents?"
Why did the bee get into trouble?
Because he wasn't beehiving very well!
