Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
You are annoying lolllllllll.
Bored?
Burn an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.
I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."
Damn, y'all hit it hard with orphan jokes.
You know, being a bitch is hard... but I found the person who's up for the challenge... you.
What's a cannibal's favorite place?
A day care.
You get a deep voice, you shit talk to 5 year olds.
Remember kids, ejaculate, then evacuate.
The more they smile, the less they see.
Amelie is a meanie.
Jingle bells, Braedyn says, "Yummy!" to a turd.
Then, he takes it out of the toilet and wipes it all over the wall!
Jingle bells, Braedyn says, "Yummy!" to a turd.
Then, he takes it out of the toilet and wipes it all over the wall!
Stick your head up someone's butt. What do you get? A Butthead!
"Get your butt out of my face!"
"Then get your face out of my butt!!!"
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
What do gum and guns have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend all of a sudden.
Why can’t you yell at a kid?
Because the cops are after you.
We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.
