Baby jokes
OnlyFans, but it’s me smacking your baby daddies with Twisted Tea.
Only Cans.
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"
Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."
"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"
"Maybe it was a tricycle."
"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"
Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."
That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"
Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"
Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."
Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV.
His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.
The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.
The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuUDeEeEeDrrrrrrrrr!!!" "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!!!"
What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
Mama milky?
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.
You should always wash your sex toys. That's why priests baptize babies.
What is worse than a baby spinning at a hundred miles per hour on a washing line?
Hitting it off with a cricket bat.
I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?
Why is Johnson’s baby shampoo the best lubricant for anal sex?
- No more tears.
Lucas is a baby, a little girl, ooo!
Your mum is a baby, huh? Not a little baby!
Alabama.
Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents name him "Sudden Lee."