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Why can orphans get away with robbing the bank?

Because no one wants him.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

Good news, people! Michael Jackson is still alive. They found him hidden away in a goat pen with all the kids!

What did Omnicron say to Delta?

"Same race, bud, different evolution."

"SIX FEET AWAY, OMNI! SIX FEET AWAY!"

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

People, when your lover cheats on you, do this!

1. Start a conversation. 2. Say, "What's that smell?" 3. They will smell around. 4. Say, "OMG, it's a b****," and walk away and ignore them.

A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."

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    • Yo mama so stupid, she made Patrick run away because he thought it was contagious! 🤣

    Boy: The principal is so dumb!

    Girl: Do you know who I am?

    Boy: No...

    Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

    Boy: Do you know who I am?

    Girl: No...

    Boy: Good! *Walks away*

    Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

    Her: Awww... Yes!!!

    Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

    Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."