Asked jokes

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

I asked this kid for a high five, but he could not reach my hand.

My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.

Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.

A man sees a girl crying and asks her what's wrong.

The girl replied, "Everyone keeps making fun of me."

"You should tell your parents," I replied back.

The girl started crying even more. That's when I got confused and left the orphanage.

A woman asked Stephen Hawking to dance, and he replied, "I'm not much good, I have two left feet."

"Then how about Karaoke?"

To which he replied, "I have two left throats."

My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.

All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.

A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.

The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"

The waiter comes and asks you for the check. Instead I give him a 20 dollar bill and say, "Boy, you can keep it!"

Someone asks a question: Who? Who asked? Boom, you"re done xxx.

Your momma so fat, when she asked for a water bed, she got a concrete bed.

A horse walked in a bar and the bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

Today I asked my sis to take out the trash, and I shoved her outside!

Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.

An apple walked into the clinic.

The doctor asked what his favorite color was.

The apple said "red." :)

Ask me who Joe is.

Who is Joe?

JOE MAMA!

I know a little girl who once had an accident. When I asked her what her favorite song was, she responded with "🎶Head, shoulders, wheels, and frame! Wheels and frame!🎶"

How do you get "Dick" from Richard?

Ask him nicely.

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

A dog was in the vet's waiting room and another dog asked, "What are you here for?"

"Well, my owner was looking under her bed for something while naked and I couldn't resist, so I mounted up and screwed her senseless."

"Oh, so you're here to get neutered?"

"Nah, I'm just getting my nails clipped."

After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.

During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."

Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"