Asked jokes
How do you get Dick from Richard?
You ask nicely.
I aced my poker test...
My teacher asked me to reflect on my work, so I got a mirror...
A caffeinated vampire goes to sleep in a coffin...
Do you get my puns? No, because you can't seem to get a grasp on how bad they are...
One day I was working at the bank, doing my job. Then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Then I told her that her balance is un-balanced.
A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"
Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."
So I went to a church and I asked a friend, "Is the picture on the wall Jesus, and does it have three nails or one nail?" Oh wait, that's not Jesus, he is not doing the T pose that he invited.
A kid was asking a mother for money.
Mother: Sorry, I don't have money.
The kid kept asking the mother for money.
Mother: I already told you I don't have money.
The kid (the middle child): I'm your fucking child!
I was playing basketball and a guy in a wheelchair asked if he could play.
I looked at him and told him that we are looking for ankle breakers, yours are already broken.
"I was walking in the yard yesterday and a bug stepped on me. Why, you ask? Because the bug didn't know I was there."
A German soldier was walking down the street in a hail storm and a woman got hit unconscious. He ran over to see if she was ok. Other people came running over. They asked what happened, and the German soldier said, "Hail hit her."
What does pussy taste like in chocolate cream pie?
Don't ever ask me no damn question like that. I ain't never had no damn chocolate cream pie, you crazy?
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.
Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"
Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."
When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.
I ask my sister why the Chinese owner brings us free food all the time.
My sister said to me "I love him long time."
A German, a Swiss, and a Russian make a bet: whoever has the most forest area in their country wins about 10,000 euros.
First, they fly over Switzerland: 8,000 square kilometers of forest. The German starts getting cold feet, as he doesn't think he'll win. Next, they fly over Russia: 50,000 square kilometers of forest. The German realizes he doesn't stand a chance unless he cheats.
When they fly over Germany, they see 10,000 square kilometers of forest. The German seems to have won, but then the Swiss shouts: "That's a tree!" The German was accused of fraud.
The German is furious. He calls the head of the Bundeswehr: "Why did the tree move?!" The boss said, "I'll put the guy who moved on the line," and passed the receiver over.
"Why did you move?" the German asked.
The young man replied: "Okay, when a dog came along and peed on my trunk, that was still fine. But then a bear came along and rubbed against my trunk..."
A kindergarten teacher asks her students, "Do you know any words that start with P?"
Little Timmy responds with, "Elmo."
How do you get "Dick" from Richard?
Ask him nicely.
Normally the reason you don't get a knife when you ask for one is because the person you asked is emo.
I asked my friend what happened to him?
His balance shifted.
Today I asked my sis to take out the trash, and I shoved her outside!
Your momma so fat, when she asked for a water bed, she got a concrete bed.