Ares jokes
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.
Yo mama is so dumb, her reflection said, "Who are you?"
I’m gay because I nutted on the wall, now there are walnuts.
Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!
Adopted kid:
Hey, Alex, what are you doing?
Alex:
Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."
Adopted kid:
OK, dad Alex.
Alex:
Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!
Adopted kid:
I’m so glad I have a mom.
Why do orphans go to church?
Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.
What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.
Why are Americans bad chess players? They lost two towers.
Are you Google?
Because you got all I am searching for.
Hi, how are you? I was busy doing something right. I just texted because me and my dad were going to.
Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?
That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.
Solicitors are more likely to harass someone with a “no soliciting” sign on their front porch.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
The bully: You're gay.
The nerd: I am.
The bully: Yeah.
The nerd: Then what are you?
McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.
Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.
Lady: I am going to come to your house.
Man: Ok.
An hour later, the lady is at the man's house. The man meets her outside of the house.
Man: You are going to cum to my house!
And then he fucks her.
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.