Ares jokes

Adoption

    • Mom, why was I adopted?

    Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!

    Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!

    Girlfriend

    • What's the difference between parking a car and finding a girlfriend?

    All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody finds out.

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    • Clock

    • Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

    "These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."

    "Oh, cool."

    "This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."

    "Makes sense."

    "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

    "Where's Trump's clock?"

    "Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."

    And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.

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    • Ares memes

    Prick

    • Here’s one for the Aussies: What’s the difference between an echidna and a police car? All the pricks are on the inside.

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    • Ghost

    • Person 1: How smart are you?

    Person 2: Really smart.

    Person 1: Ok. If you have 3 ghosts and take away 2, how many are left?

    Person 2: 1 ghost is left.

    Person 1: Wrong! 0 ghosts are left because ghosts don't exist!

    Flirt

    • What would a man say to flirt with a woman that has a big butt?

    You are so butty-ful!

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    • Parachute

    • Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.

    Donald faced the other four and orders:

    "I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."

    Tony jumps off.

    "Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."

    Francis jumps off.

    Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."

    Hillary jumps off.

    Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."

    Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"

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    • Virgin

    • Bully: "Shut up and give me your money, otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."

    Boy: "Haha, I am not a virgin anymore."

    Bully: "Haha, nice joke."

    Boy: "If you don't believe then ask your sister or brother."

    Bully: "Hah, I don't have any sibling."

    Boy: "Will just wait for 9 months then u will know."

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    • Water

    • I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

    I said, "Making holy water."

    She said, "How are you making holy water?"

    I'm boiling the hell out of it.

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    • Tractor

    • John walked into Pat at the barn. He was dancing naked in front of a tractor. John said, "Hey, Pat, what are you doing?"

    Pat said, "Well, me and the wife have been having a bit of trouble in bed, so I went to a therapist, and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor (attract her)."

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