Appearance jokes

Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.

Your hairline is like a math expression, there is no solution.

Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.

Your hairline is more bent than your gender.

I had to take the underground just to get from your forehead to your hairline, they're so far apart!!!

Your hair is so far back, you left it at your last address.

Nah, bruh, my hairline straighter than a gay person's.

What do you call a fat Indian sat on the floor?

A meatball/malteser.

How come your sister is hotter than you? Funny, huh?

Your hairline is so back it looks like Will Smith slapped it.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson changed his name from Michael Smith? Well, at least he's honest.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

If you tried to look at your hairline in a mirror, it would shatter into 100,000,000,000 pieces.

You are so ugly, Hello Kitty said goodbye.

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

Your forehead is so big I could stand on it.

Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?

Pretty nuts!

Your buzz cut is so bad that the bees buzz around it!

Me: What did one toilet say to the other?

You: What?

Me: You look flushed!

NEWS: A man kidnapped a 13-year-old girl.

MOM OF GIRL: The man had a shady face and a receding hairline.