Animal jokes
If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.
What’s the difference between a cow and 9/11?
A cow can’t be milked for 21 years.
What do you call a dabbing cow?
Udder savagery.
You are so cat.
What do you call a cow that's beating his meat? Beef stroganoff!
Guys, I'm back...
Here's my joke:
What is blue and red all over?
Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.
For sale: Dead canary.
Not going cheep.
Yo mama is so fat, I thought she was a beach whale.
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
What did the buffalo say to the buffalo's son?
"Bi-son."
What do nerds and chicks have in common? They both have four eyes.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A Doberman in a playground.
How come Mr. Squirrel watches porn sometimes?
Sometimes he feels like a nut, sometimes he don't.
If you humped a whale, it would humpback.
I like zebras.
(Note: this joke is not one of the worst jokes ever because it is obscene or offensive; it’s just a bad joke.) Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they’re dead.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Co- MOO!