Animal jokes
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Lol, dick, I'm the dick and duck.
I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It doesn't matter, he's dead.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler!
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird!
On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P.
What do you call a stupid turtle?
Retorted.
I was going to tell you a cow joke...
But it's pasture bed time.
What do you do after you eat the softest pussy in the world?
Put the diapers back on.
The cat said hi.
What do you call the place where an octopus is sitting?
Octopied.
Why don't blind people like bungee jumping?
Because it scares the fuck out of dogs!
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.