Animal jokes
What can a mouse do?
He clicks.
When you see a deer, what do you say?
"Oh deer!"
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."
The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.
What do you call a club that owls go to?
Hooters.
What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?
"That hit the spot?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
What do you call a priest that is a furry?
A Catholic.
According to all known laws of aviation, a bee should not be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground, but of course, bees fly anyway because bees don't care about what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black.
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same!
What do you call a two-dimensional owl? A Paper Towl!
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
You never told me you were part orangutan. Have you considered taking a vacation to Planet of the Apes?
What’s a sheep’s favorite fruit?
A baaaaaaaanaaaaaana!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's door.
Knock, knock!
It's the chicken.
A blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar.
The blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash.
The bartender yells, "Sir, stop! What are you doing!?"
The blind guy says, "I'm just looking around."
Why would hunting a bald eagle in America be a bad idea?
Because it's ill-eagle.