Animal jokes
What's the difference between a fish and a car?
You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3
What food does a cheetah eat?
Fast food.
What do you call a squirrel with wings? A flying squirrel, it's pretty self-explanatory.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be expect bagels.
One time there was a squirrel who died.
It was funny because the squirrel got dead.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt-quack.
Why did the octopus cross the road?
Who knows and who cares?
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
I met a really greedy oyster. It was quite shellfish.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender.
Your mama is so old that she forgot her donkey on Noah's Ark.
Knock knock. Who's there? Bear. Bear who? Bear bum!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because fuck society, that's why!
A rooster ran across the border from the USA to Canada and laid an egg. Which country does that egg belong to?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
Why can't a dinosaur clap? Because it's dead.
What is a rabbit's favorite type of jewelry?
Carats.
What are you going to have for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."