Animal jokes
One cow asks another cow, "Are you afraid of mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why should I be? I'm a helicopter."
A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.
"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.
A man opened a snail farm.
He said that it is a slow-moving business.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date?
Because he didn't want to see the bill.
What do French ducks say?
Quoi quoi.
Why aren't koalas actual bears?
Because they don't meet the koalafications.
What do you say to a pig with no nose? You have n'ought a snout!
What kind of bees produce milk?
Boobies.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrel-elephant ;)
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
What's the difference between a chicken and a dog?
I don't know... I'm from China.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
What do you call an animal underground? A fossil.
What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOW-tain.
What do you call an elephant and a rhino mix?
Helliphino!
If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bagels.
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Two cows are standing in a field.
Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.