Animal jokes
What do you call an animal underground? A fossil.
What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOW-tain.
What do you call an elephant and a rhino mix?
Helliphino!
If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bagels.
What do you call a cow that doesn't produce any milk? An udder failure.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Two cows are standing in a field.
Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.
Why do cats like to sing? They're very mewsical!
What do you call a three-humped camel?
Pregnant.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?
It's an ARMadillo.
What is a penguin without a pen? A guin...
A swan, a goose, and a penguin walked into a bar... I ducked.
Why's missy Shaw such a slug? Because she's obese. Hahahahahaha!
This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.
An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"
His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.
He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"
"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"
"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."