Animal jokes
My grandfather had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.
Why do cats like to sing? They're very mewsical!
What do you call a three-humped camel?
Pregnant.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?
It's an ARMadillo.
What is a penguin without a pen? A guin...
A swan, a goose, and a penguin walked into a bar... I ducked.
Why's missy Shaw such a slug? Because she's obese. Hahahahahaha!
This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.
An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"
His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.
He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"
"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"
"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fish with no eyes.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What can a mouse do?
He clicks.
When you see a deer, what do you say?
"Oh deer!"
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."
The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.