Animal jokes
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fish with no eyes.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What can a mouse do?
He clicks.
When you see a deer, what do you say?
"Oh deer!"
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."
The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.
What do you call a club that owls go to?
Hooters.
What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?
"That hit the spot?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
What do you call a priest that is a furry?
A Catholic.
According to all known laws of aviation, a bee should not be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground, but of course, bees fly anyway because bees don't care about what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black.
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same!
What do you call a two-dimensional owl? A Paper Towl!
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
You never told me you were part orangutan. Have you considered taking a vacation to Planet of the Apes?
What’s a sheep’s favorite fruit?
A baaaaaaaanaaaaaana!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's door.
Knock, knock!
It's the chicken.