Animal jokes
A swan, a goose, and a penguin walked into a bar... I ducked.
Why's missy Shaw such a slug? Because she's obese. Hahahahahaha!
This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.
An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"
His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.
He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"
"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"
"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fish with no eyes.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What can a mouse do?
He clicks.
When you see a deer, what do you say?
"Oh deer!"
Whenever I see a dog video, I just take a second to press paws.
A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."
The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.
What do you call a club that owls go to?
Hooters.
What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?
"That hit the spot?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they are dead.
What do you call a priest that is a furry?
A Catholic.
According to all known laws of aviation, a bee should not be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground, but of course, bees fly anyway because bees don't care about what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black.
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same!
What do you call a two-dimensional owl? A Paper Towl!
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.