Animal jokes
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
I lick cows for my mother.
Why did the cat cross the road?
To die.
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
Monkey: What ya doing?
Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."
Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who.
You sound like an owl.
What do dogs do that trees don't do?
Answer: They bark!
badoom ching
What do you call a cool octopus? Tenta-cool (tentacle)
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
To fuck the chicken.
Why do cows die?
'Cuz they are to beef.
What do you call a gay cow? A gay cow.
There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:
Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.
Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.
These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.
Only Ninety's kids know about this.
Two baby seals walk into a club.
My cat got in a fight. It was a catastrophe.
How do you cook macaroni? With a shark-spoon-a-rooni!
What do you call a dancing cow that dies while dancing? Dead mooves.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
If you shoot at a school of fish, could you call it a school shooting?