Animal jokes

When a hedgehog finds poop, they put it in their mouths. They mix it with saliva until it's a foam, then rub it on themselves.

What did the bull say to the bullfighter?

What's the "matador?"

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the “shell” station.

What kind of clothing should you wear on “hump day”? Camelflouge.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

Why are chickens so awesome? Because... Chicken noise.

Where did the pig go on holiday?

Snout and about.

I named my dog "5 miles," so now I can tell people I walk "5 miles" everyday. 😏😎

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...

It was impossible to put down.

Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.

The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"

Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."

What's a snake's favorite subject?

Well, there are two: hisss-tory, but some prefer maths; those weirdos are adders.

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

Donkeys are cool.

What do you call a cow that's beating his meat? Beef stroganoff!

Why did the T-Rex cross the road?

The chicken wasn’t invented then.

Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronze fish.

Did you hear about the nasty tuna fish?

He was rotten to the albacore.

In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.

They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"

The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."

Squirrel: I got a joke.

Dog: What the hell is it?

Squirrel: I clicked my nuts and clicked my poop.

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.