American jokes
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
Because they practice at the best schools.
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"
How do you turn a Chinese person into an American? Put a bag of ice on their eyes.
Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...
Who is Stephen Hawking's wife?
The American Siri.
If the American Dream exists, why is it always filmed in Canada?
Why is the Rubik’s cube record holder always American?
Because Americans are really good at separating colors.
I used to think all Americans were racist.
Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.
Why are natives called redskins? Idk, ask the pilgrims 😂
Why do American guns only have 30 rounds?
Because it's the average class size.
America: Saying, "I beg your pardon" in British English is like saying; "What did you say to me you orphaned big forehead shitty ass small dick bitch?"
UK: You Americans are so fucking rude.
America: Oh, I'm SoRrY mIsTeR fAnCy PaNts 👖
Jeff crosses the US border.
The second he crosses into the USA, a guy comes up with a gun.
Jeff: "That's what I was expecting."
An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.
The man says, "Will you move your dog?"
The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.
The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
If Canada had to apologise for Bryan Adams on several occasions, it's only fair that Americans are tortured and waterboarded for bringing Katy Perry and Carrie Underwood to the world!
Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."
England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."
Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."
This is American politics that is not true.
"Lord of the Rings" is about a group of white Americans taking nine hours to return jewelry.
Why are Americans so bad at class royals?
Because they already lost 2 towers.
It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."
Q: Why do Americans fish with guns?
A: To shoot up the whole school.