American jokes
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
Three rednecks, Billy, Joe, and John, are talking about their hobbies. They agree on shooting. John says, "I like shooting animals." Joe says, "I like shooting birds." Billy says, "I like shooting cans." Joe and John ask, "What kind of cans, like bear cans, Pepsi cans, or cola cans?" Billy responds, "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaicans, and Asian Americans."
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
USS Liberty. Never forget.
It was bombed and destroyed by the Israeli airforce. Thirty-four dead, 171 wounded. The official story says “accident,” yet an American flag was clearly visible on the ship.
Motive: An attempt to cut off our foreign intelligence on Israel? Blame the bombing on an Arab country?
Just imagine if any other nation bombed an American ship...
Why did the Italian American Roman Catholic priest perform fellatio on gay men at the glory hole inside the adult bookstore?
Someone asked him what would he do for a Klondike Bar?
When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
I asked an American if their national anthem was "Pumped Up Kicks."
If you enter the bathroom as an American and leave the bathroom as an American, what are you in the bathroom?
A European.
My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.
Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"
What do you call an American house?
A gun safe.
When do Americans answer their door?
Once freedom rings! ❤️🤍💙
How do Americans learn the metric system?
9mm at a time. The problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
Americans when they think they have the best offensive British jokes: "we threw your tea in the ocean." 💀
British people making offensive jokes about America: "our towers didn’t explode."😎
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
Why are Americans so good at Rubik's Cubes?
They are skilled at separating colors.
Why do Japanese people hate iPhones? Because they're scared that American airdrops will fall on them.
American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"
Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school.
Why won't an American atheist convert to the religion of Islam in the city of Dearborn, Michigan?
Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be able to join a mosque in the city of Dearborn, Michigan.
Poor kids in American schools, they want books, but all they get are magazines.