1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”
Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”
Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”
Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
Why are mountains always tired? Because they don't Everest.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
Why is Helen Keller's child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!
What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?
Craven Morehead.
How do you stay warm in a cold room?
You go to the corners. It's always 90 degrees.
