Always jokes
Trees are so social. They're always branching out.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.
Always!
How does a fish always know how much they weigh? -- Because they have their own scales.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”
Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”
Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”
Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
Why are mountains always tired? Because they don't Everest.
What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?
Craven Morehead.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
Why is Helen Keller's child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"