Always jokes

I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

Why do Roman Catholics always call their minister father?

because Roman Catholic men between 18-29 years old received a free anonymous blowjob inside the confessional booth at the glory hole.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.

Why was the Tower of Pisa always leaning?

Cuz it wanted better accuracy than the Twin Towers.

They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.

When my son was little, he loved to draw. Although he would always rip up the paper whenever there was one little slip up. Too bad he became a tattoo artist.....

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

What place can you always find suicidal cows at?

"McDonald's."

I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.

Why is Stephen Hawking good at skateboarding? Because he's always on the ramps.