Always jokes

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

So this is how I got divorced.

On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.

I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...

Why does Kurt Cobain hate his brother?

Because he's always calling shotgun.

Why do people always talk about nine eleven???

My dad died that day.

He was a good pilot.

I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.

Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

Wanna hear a poop joke?

Nah, they always stink.

Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?

A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏

We are always joking around about being adopted, when really we are still living in the orphanage.

Why don't Bald Eagles like fast food? It always runs away!

What is hard about having a relationship with an astronaut?

They are always so distant! :-]

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

How do you know when you're disliked?

When they always give you the camera for group photos.

Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?

Why is Stephen Hawking not scared of anyone?

His wheelchair always backs him up.

The mailman came to drop the mail off.

Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.

Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."

Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."

What do you call a dude that is always high and gets higher than everyone else in the family? The alpha pothead!

My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.

We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.