My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Why do rappers make terrible pirates?
Because they’re always DROPPING HOOKS!
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?
From the mace.
Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?
Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
What do ninjas and depressed people have in common?
They're always cutting.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
I know a lot of people hate tapeworms, but they will always have a special place in my heart.
What’s the difference between milk and the air?
At least the air will always be there for me.
Why do emo kids hate high fives?
They’re always left hanging.
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.
"Don't sneeze!"
Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.
Also,
"It dangles and swung!"
Language art quizzes are the best.
I love stairs. They always bring me up.
Why don't rappers ever play hide-and-seek?
Because good luck hiding when your name's always dropping!
A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."
I never make that type of joke. They always seem to crash and burn.
I’m always the first person in line at school for lunch.
I just cut everyone.
What do the Twin Towers and Angry Birds' pigs have in common?
They always getting hit.
I’m enyaw and I fancy my PE teacher. She is called Kelly Pearce and I go to Beckfoot Oakbank. I always watch her because I am a creep. I live at school under the stairs, but I also try [to] follow her home, and if I'm unsuccessful I look her up on a dodgy website and go on Google maps and look at her door.
