Always jokes
I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
Why was Stephen Hawking always bullied?
Because he couldn’t stand up for himself.
This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"
So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."
They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"
Why can't Pooh Bear catch a date?
Because he is always talking about his honey.
Why is Santa always a b*tch, calling people names like, "Hoe, hoe, hoe?"
People always ask what the secret of our family's happiness is. It is simple really.
1. Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week.
2. We all give each other a hand when needed.
Last but not least, we play Twister.
Why didn’t the girl like stairs?
They were always up to something.
Why are they called s’mores?
Because you always want another one!
Roses are red, CEO's are white, Patrick Mahomes says, the refs are always right.
The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
Why is there a big old gay parade on one of the first days of summer?
Pride always cometh before the fall.
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.
Why did the cheetah always cheetah against the lion?
Because she knew the lion was always lion.
Why do orphans always get picked on?
They can't run and tell their parents.
Why do New Yorkers get what Spider-Man is saying?
Because he always makes spider-sense.
Why do cheetahs always win?
Because they cheat!