My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
I'd make a 9/11 joke, but they always crash and burn.
If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.
My cousin really loves baseball.
He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?
From the mace.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
I feel bad for all American Clash Royale players.
They always start with two towers downed.
What do you call a booty that’s always negative?
A pessimist-cheek.
Why was the booty so good at poker?
Because it always had a good PAIR.
Why did the rapper become a locksmith?
Because he always had the KEYS!
Why don't rappers tell secrets?
Because they always spill the BEATS
Why did the rapper always carry a pencil?
In case he had to draw a crowd.
Why don't rappers ever get lost?
Because they always know where the BEAT is.
I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.
Why do butts always win at poker?
They always hold the best PAIRS!
What kind of tests do rappers always pass?
Sound checks!
