Why can't an Asian play baseball?
'Cause they always eat the bat!
Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.
Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."
Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?
Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.
My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.
You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.
I'll shut up now.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
Which falls faster, a feather or an emo?
A feather, because the emos are always hanging in.
You know, people always tell you to stand up for yourself. Why didn't anyone tell the World Trade Center that? 🤔
Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.
The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...
Why are Mexicans good at Uno?
They always steal the green card.
My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?
Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.