Allowance jokes
By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.
I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.
Why do white people own a lot of pets?
Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.
My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.
Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?
Because you can’t look up to them.
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."
One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.
What chips are you not allowed to give to orphans?
Family size.
Why do Arabs hate chess?
Because the queen is allowed to move freely.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."
An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind...
...but it will allow ugly people to get laid.
Your mom is so ugly when she tried to enter the ugly contest, they said they don't allow professionals.
Why are orphans not allowed in stores?
Because else they would actually feel at home.
Yo mama so ugly, she's only allowed to go out on October 31.
Why does Japan not allow little boys to run?
Because the last time a little boy came, Japan lost a state.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.