Allowance jokes

Why do white people own a lot of pets?

Because they're not allowed to own people anymore.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?

Because you can’t look up to them.

Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.

One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

Your mom is so ugly when she tried to enter the ugly contest, they said they don't allow professionals.

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind...

...but it will allow ugly people to get laid.

What chips are you not allowed to give to orphans?

Family size.

Why are orphans not allowed in stores?

Because else they would actually feel at home.

Why do Arabs hate chess?

Because the queen is allowed to move freely.

Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?

Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.

Yo mama so ugly, she's only allowed to go out on October 31.

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

Why is Newton not allowed to visit local farms?

The owners know that forces come in pears.

Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.