Allowance jokes
Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."
By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.
I think the military shouldn’t allow trans people, because all they'd do is switch sides.
My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.
Why aren’t short people allowed to be mentors?
Because you can’t look up to them.
Why do Arabs hate chess?
Because the queen is allowed to move freely.
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.
The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”
The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."
One of the reasons the skeleton was not allowed to play church music is because he had no organs.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."
An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind...
...but it will allow ugly people to get laid.
Why are orphans not allowed in stores?
Because else they would actually feel at home.
What chips are you not allowed to give to orphans?
Family size.
Your mom is so ugly when she tried to enter the ugly contest, they said they don't allow professionals.
Yo mama so ugly, she's only allowed to go out on October 31.
Why does Japan not allow little boys to run?
Because the last time a little boy came, Japan lost a state.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.