Allowance jokes

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

What are fish not allowed to have?

Seaweed.

Who is not allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.

The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.

Why does a very tall man allow dwarfs to take turns to suck his balls?

Because he is nuts about them!

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

The reason that girls are not allowed in boys' treehouses is because girls can't keep their mouths shut about boys taking turns sucking each other's hotdogs.

"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.

Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?

Harlem, New York.

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

Women should be allowed to choose: dishes or cooking first.

I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.

Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.

...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.

Why did Michael Jackson allow little boys to sleep in his house? Because he's bad.

Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."

By the law, you are not allowed to have a sick bird. That's ill-eagle.