Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost? Harlem, New York.

Chuck Norris: " Chuck Norris doesn’t fight, he just allows you to lose" Me: “How come did you lose return of the dragon?”

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

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