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Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school

Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen…to clean the rest of the house

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost? Harlem, New York.

Can I branch out to some tree puns. Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on

Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".

Chuck Norris: " Chuck Norris doesn’t fight, he just allows you to lose" Me: “How come did you lose return of the dragon?”