Allowance jokes
Michael J. Fox isn't allowed around small children. When he touches them, he is immediately accused of shaken baby syndrome.
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they told her, "No pros allowed."
I’ve always been a bit insecure about having thicker thighs.
Now I realize it allows me to fit more scars!
Why did Michael Jackson allow little boys to sleep in his house? Because he's bad.
Tell rumors about me, but please don't say I'm in a love relationship.
Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!
A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."
The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."
At least he got D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance), so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.
I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.
Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.
...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.
Why was Stephen Hawking never trusted when taking a quiz?
"No computers allowed on the test!"
My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
What type of movies are orphans not allowed to watch?
PG movies.
Yo mama so hairy that when she go to the hair salon they say, "No pets allowed."
Why are orphans not allowed in stores?
Because else they would actually feel at home.
The orphan had to earn money because he/she didn't have parents to give him/her an allowance.
"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."
What's the difference between a flower and an orphan?
One is allowed in the house.
So, I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom had made cookies. I stole one, not noticing my mom was behind me.
So my mom said, "Put the cookie back, kid!" and I said I wasn't gonna eat it. Then she said, "Never mind, I'll get your father." So my mom said, "Honey, deal with your son; I'm going to the mall!" And my dad said, "Son, if you're not allowed to have a cookie before dinner!"
So he went into his room, and I heard the belt, and I was going to run, but I knew it would be worse. So he said, "This will be your punishment." As he was getting ready to hit me, I said, "Daddy, no, please, I wasn't gonna eat it!" But he said, "No, you won't change my mind, little boy!" Then he hit me. Thank you for reading! Stay healthy and stay safe in this time. Bye!!! Read more of my jokes; they'll probably be around the website!!
My boyfriend entered a retarded contest, but they said no because they don’t allow perfectionists.
Why aren’t Indian Pakistanis allowed in the World Cup of baseball?
Every time they hit a corner, they open a shop.