Alcohol jokes

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

You know why Hitler wouldn’t drink whisky? Because it made him angry.

We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.

A redneck and a Black man walk into a bar and order a drink.

Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."

A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."

The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.

What do gay girls order in a bar?

Pussy juice.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.

A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...

Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”

A drunk guy runs into a bar... He bangs his head and falls down, why?

Because he is in a prison cell.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

So, three guys are walking carefully into a bar.

The bartender said, "What can I get you, gentlemen?"

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

Mom, I’m pregnant.

Are you drunk? Why? Because you’re boy.

A man walks into a bar and orders a stiff drink. I gave him a glass of ice.

What's the difference between a club and a bar?

I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks...