Alcohol jokes
"Hold my beer, watch this."
Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.
What’s Bin Laden’s favorite drink? Double Manhattan.
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
George Floyd: 3 years sober, drug and alcohol free.
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
Yo mama so dumb, when the bartender said "beer is on the house" she grabbed a ladder.
What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?
Overcharge himself.
Don't drink and park.
Accidents cause people.
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
I’m not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.
“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
Pin drop silence in the class!
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”
What do gay girls order in a bar?
Pussy juice.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "You mathematicians don't know your limits."
Why is the rum gone?
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
How do computers get drunk?
They take a screenshot.