Alcohol jokes

Jack took Jill up a hill to have a picnic, but Jack and Jill got drunk. They then Jill unzipped Jack's fly, then said, "You know you want me to."

He said yes, so she took off her dress and bra. Jack took his pants and shirt off too. They both went in the well together and played a game: Jack's candy stick in Jill's candy stick. Next, Jill was sucking Jack's candy stick while Jack licked and sucked her candy stick, then Jill sat on Jack's candy stick while making out.

Math riddle: If I have 12 bottles of wine in one hand, and 9 in the other, what do I have?

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

They should have ducked.

A NASA scientist is sitting in a bar when a Martian walks in and orders a martini.

The NASA scientist quickly realizes he is dreaming and wakes up. He turns to his wife and tries to explain the dream, but she rolls over and ignores him because she is tired of listening to him.

The NASA scientist begins to sob because his marriage is in shambles. lmao.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. They turned to drunks and have no will. Jill said to Jack, "Your love reveal, then think of building me a still."

How do you call somebody who has bought a Corona?

A Cor-owner.

Steven Hawking's Sesh Cave, entry 50p, guaranteed Budweiser and ecstasy. Maybe a gram of heroin. You'll most likely see a mental 90-year-old guy absolutely going mental on the dance floor with a Stella in one hand and another on his crotch.

An Irishman walks into a pub.

Aaron and Ben meet on Grindr. They have a drink and have sex. They wake up in the morning in bed. Aaron says, "I'm so glad I got it out." Ben replies, "What? Oh, just the HIV."

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

You know why Hitler wouldn’t drink whisky? Because it made him angry.

We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.

A redneck and a Black man walk into a bar and order a drink.

A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin. The bartender said to her, "I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink?" and she said, "Not usually, but I am doing the bishop a favor."

The bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening, and she said, "No, I am with the bishop tonight."

Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."

I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.

What do gay girls order in a bar?

Pussy juice.

A time traveler walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.

A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...

Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”