Afterlife jokes
Your mama is so fat, she broke the stairs to Heaven.
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
I wonder if any of these people are still alive.
Anyways,
When I arrived at the pearly gates when I died, the guardian asked me how I died. I told him I was just hanging around.
How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.
If Tim goes to heaven and Tom goes to hell, where does Tam go?
Up your ass.
Before my grandad died, he whispered to me, "Is your uncle still in the basement?" I said he has died. Oh, my grandad said, "I will lock him in heaven's basement."
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died.
The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!"
He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something.
Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
Beethoven composed his whole life.
What did he do in the afterlife? He decomposed! Har har har har har har.
I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.
God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.
I hope there is a lift to heaven. I shouldn’t be making jokes though.
This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"
God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be DYING to get in there.
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”