Afterlife jokes
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
Why do orphans want to die?
Because they might see their parents in Heaven.
How did Helen Keller know she went to hell?
She didn't.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.
You wanna know why Stephen Hawking isn't going to heaven?
Because it's a stairway, not a ramp.
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
Because he couldn’t go up the stairs to heaven.
If Tim goes to heaven and Tom goes to hell, where does Tam go?
Up your ass.
Why did half of the world go to hell?
Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
(You've been warned!)
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.
Why did the child die? To see God, our father.
The orphans all died!!!
Oh wait, no one cares...
Their parents are all dead anyway. We are just making them happier. They get to join their parents in hell.
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”
A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died.
The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!"
He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something.
Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"