Afterlife jokes
A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."
When a Muslim dies, he gets 72 virgins.
It's the same thing with priests, except the virgins are children.
Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.
What do the people in heaven that died on the Titanic call the Titanic? The Dietanic.
Why do orphans want to die?
Because they might see their parents in Heaven.
How did Helen Keller know she went to hell?
She didn't.
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
You wanna know why Stephen Hawking isn't going to heaven?
Because it's a stairway, not a ramp.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
Because he couldn’t go up the stairs to heaven.
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
If Tim goes to heaven and Tom goes to hell, where does Tam go?
Up your ass.
You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.
Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA
Why did half of the world go to hell?
Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
(You've been warned!)
When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.
Why did the child die? To see God, our father.
The orphans all died!!!
Oh wait, no one cares...
Their parents are all dead anyway. We are just making them happier. They get to join their parents in hell.
God: “Stephen, join us!”
*sees the staircase to heaven.*
Stephen: “Shit!”