Afterlife jokes
Jesus stinks so bad he killed all living things in Heaven.
Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!
Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.
Teacher: Why not?
Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.
Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.
I killed myself, then woke up.
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
What did one skeleton say to another?
...nothing... they are dead... what did you expect?
You see a cat, it's dead, you are dead.
Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.
Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.
*looks up*
Oh, never mind.
Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait... nevermind...
Why can't ghosts stay happy? Because they are too skeletal.
To Drew the Devil,
We NEED to talk RN. I'm very mad at you, and we need to talk.
Angry Alex
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
God said the first person to kill Hitler goes to heaven.
Hitler: Kills himself.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
Your mama is so fat, she broke the stairs to Heaven.
A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died.
The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!"
He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something.
Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
What happened to the chicken after he died? He did not say anything, so I don't know.
The cemetery is so overcrowded.
People are just dying to get in.