Aed jokes
What do you call a Pokémon who can’t move very fast?
A Slowpoke.
How can you tell a Pokémon likes baseball?
Every night he turns into a Golbat.
What do you tell a stressed-out Pokémon?
“Kakuna Rattata!”
New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
God is you... If you have a dog
An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.
Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!
Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.
Doctor: I didn’t.
I asked my dad why a grown man would play Pokémon Go?
He said “Wynaut.”
Don’t be racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.
What did the female farmer say to the person who raises a male chicken? "Nice cock!"
What does a depressed kid who loves geometry use to kill themself?
A hypoteNUSE!
Q: What do kidnappers and rapists have in common?
H: It's similar to shoes.
A: White Vans.
A Chinese man and an Indian man are in a car. Who’s driving?
The driving instructor.
Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"
It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.
You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?
When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...
...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)
So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...
How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.
There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.
A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"
An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"
The Scouser says, "Liverpool."
The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"
The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
An optimist says, "The glass is half full."
A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."
Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"
Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!
Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!
The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.
The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?