Aed jokes
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.
I have a friend of mine from school. I always see them with bangs, so I never knew what their forehead looked like until one day they came... Their forehead was bigger than Mount Everest, that you can make an entire Olympics mountain climbing audition on that forehead! :)
Two men walk into a bar, no clue how they didn't see it.
So I'm a cow, guess what my dad thinks of that? He says I'm a loooosmer.
What’s the difference between Jane Doe and a roller coaster?
You can ride both on Ketamine, but only one will get you on the news.
How do you get a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
Kid on Xbox: I'm not a virgin. Ask your sister.
Bully on Xbox: I don't have a sister, dumbass.
Kid on Xbox: You will in 9 months.
Once upon a time, three babies were born in 2015. She was always crying for 2015. He loves her birth date. 🤗😈🤗🤕🤒no🤗🤑😱😎🙌🙏🙈🙉🙊
How do you know an orphan is telling the truth?
When they swear on their mother's grave!
Why do trannies suck at being soldiers? Because they have a 41% casualty rate.
I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.
What has two wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone: "Wing wing, arrow!"
I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.
"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."
"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."
I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?
A really fucking huge cricket.
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.