Aed jokes
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
You know that feeling when you're going through a school parking lot and go over a speed bump, then you realize that there are no speed bumps?
What do a blonde chick and a turtle both have in common?
When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
What do a blonde chick and a field of wheat have in common?
They're both bound to get plowed at some point in time.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.
Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"
Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."
Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"
Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.
What would a man say to flirt with a woman that has a big butt?
You are so butty-ful!
More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.
I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?
A 7-foot-tall man walks into a restaurant with his 4-foot-tall girlfriend, and the maitre d' says to the waiter, “He must be nuts over her.”
A man walks into a bar carrying a big chunk of asphalt and says to the bartender, “Make mine a double Scotch and one more for the road.”
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
I bought an anti-bullying wristband. I say I bought it; I stole it off a fat ginger kid.
Me: Do you know a funny joke?
Friend: Yes, you.
I'm a human.
Do you ever get that feeling where you're just going through a school parking lot, then you realize that there are no parking lots?
There was once a Spanish magician. He said, "Uno, dos..." and he disappeared without a tres.
Despite Michael Jackson’s legal problems while he was alive, McDonald’s is still going to honor his life achievements in the music industry by naming a sandwich after him.
They’re going to call it the McMichael! It’s going to be a fifty year old piece of meat pressed between two eight year old buns.
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.