Aed jokes
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
I want to run. I go Iran, because I RAN, not IRAN, because it’s an Iran joke about the country, not the movement.
A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.
This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.
I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"
Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"
Like if you are a simp.
I call this my great talk with Siri.
Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.
Siri: My mother? Huh?
Me: Did I stutter?
Siri: Interesting question.
Me: It wasn’t a question.
Siri: I’m not sure I understand?
Me: You should understand.
Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?
Me: No, you b***.
What’s brown, fuzzy, and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
Where does a cow take his date?
Answer: To the moooooovies!
What did Michael Scott say to someone when he passed a plate of vegetables?
Boom! Roasted!
I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
Q: What kind of club do roosters go to? A: The Chicken Strip.
I made that one up.
I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.
So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels. I mean cars, no I gave him literal hot wheels!
There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."
What's the difference between an orange?
A hippopotamus riding a four-door motorcycle.
Sometimes when I'm sad, I remember I have a big dick.
Imagine you ask a girl out in braille.
And she leaves you on felt.
How do you cut your grass without a lawnmower?
You dye it blue and it will cut itself.
Give a man a plane ticket, and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.