Aed jokes
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
What happens when you put a baby in a blender?
The baby is a cherry smoothie.
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."
So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.
Why don't catholic kids lose their virginity in their 20's?
Because they lost it to a priest when they were 5
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?
Kill her afterwards.
What's the difference between me and a depressed kid? At least I'm out of the grave.
I chucked a lamp and a depressed kid, hoping it would brighten up his day.
What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?
"Here Comes The Airplane!"
A leaf and an emo fell off a cliff, who landed first? The leaf, because the rope stopped the emo.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
... is a sphere itself.
Isn't there a software company named after your dick?
Microsoft?
What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students?
A PDF file.
As a woman, why is your stomach bigger than your bums? 😒
When you don't wear earrings for a long time, the hole can close, and it hurts so much when you want to put it back. 🙄🙄 😁😁😁🤣
When you see a woman with a leg chain, what usually comes to your mind?
What kind of truck does a Mexican drive?
F-Juan Fifty.
A girl came to my house. She said, "Where are your parents?" I started crying.
Your hairline has a huge path between it, looks like Moses had something to do with it.
What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people?
A cabbage patch.