Aed jokes
I ate some gunpowder once. It was an exploding experience.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
Stephen is lucky he doesn’t need a vibrator.
He’s got himself.
Walking's a chore, let alone crawling.
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:
98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!
1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.
Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!
What's the difference between an Al Qaeda Base and a Pakistani School?
"I don't know man, I just fly the drones."
What does Helen Keller say when she touches a basketball?
Duhhuuughhhr.
Solicitors are more likely to harass someone with a “no soliciting” sign on their front porch.
I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
Roses are red, I like weed,
If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."
What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
Yo mama is so ugly, even the ugliest person in the world looked like a sword standing next to her.
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."