Aed jokes

People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

I'm not saying you're annoying.

But if a yeast infection were a person, it would be you.

An officer confronts two congressmen.

He informs them, \"I’m looking for a couple of child molesters.\"

The two look at each other, turn to the officer and exclaim, \"Sure! We’ll do it!\"

All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...

Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.

Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.

And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.

There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...

There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.

So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

Girl: "Dad."

Dad: "Do I love you?"

Girl: "I am a prostitute."

Dad: "Yes."

Woman 2: "Dad."

Dad: "Right?"

Woman 2: "I'm a woman too."

Father: "God, do you love children?"

Boy: "Yes..."

Your hairline is like the McDonald's logo. It's forming a perfect M.

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."

How do you punish blind kids?

Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

What do you call an emo kid at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

I’m the type to join a cult unknowingly, but get too lazy to commit to it.

Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?

Must be lots of drunks there.

Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."

Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"

Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."

Orphan: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

What do you call an army of autistic people?

Special forces!

My friend is a pimp.

I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.

The great meme reset is like a fart. If you force it, it's gonna be shit.

What’s the difference between an orphan’s parents and a boomerang?

The boomerang came back.

What do you call a fight at a dementia unit?

A Sundown Smackdown.