Aed jokes
How old is a blue plane?
Blue.
What do you call a male ladybug?
Trans.
If nine is a number, then why on Earth is not "ja" a number?
God creates a wasp :)
God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.
Angel: okay... a bug.
God: now give it's face a sword, but it has a hole so it's basically a mouth.
Angel: weird.. but okay...
God: and give it wings.
Angel: eh, not half bad Go-
God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS
Angel: *shook* o-okay
God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.
Angel: . - .
God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give 'em a taste 'o that! *evil grin*
Angel: *cries*
Angel: *whispers; I'm so sorry..*
How do goldfish know when to eat?
They don't. They have a memory span of 3 seconds.
A french fry was talking to a potato, but the potato didn't understand what he was saying.
It was because he didn't speak French.
What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?
If you break a leg, you get cast.
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
Not many people know this, but Soulja Boy was the lead role in a very successful children's movie a while ago. Released to theaters nationwide in 2006 was Honey, I Crunked the Kids.
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till I realized it is a family business.
Don't you hate it when you sit on your balls? It's a real nutcracker!
My wife went to make a cake. The recipe said, "Separate two eggs," so she put one egg in the living room.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A man with a drum.
"Well, tell him to beat it!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?
A period.
Why?
Because it marks the end of a sentence.
I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.
About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."
I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."
Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."
Landing on its feet won't help a cat in China...
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.
boss: "We have to let you go."
surgeon: "I protest innocence."
boss: "How?"
surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."
boss: "Get out!"