Advice jokes

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

When does a computer function best? When it listens to its motherboard.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

Remember kids, if you're in a big problem, yell SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEËEEEEEEEEĒEEEEĘEEEEEEEEESH!

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

How to not exist: Kys.

What do you call a fat motivational speaker?

Four chin teller.

Keep yourself safe!

The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.

Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.

Don't listen.

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Advice to the Clown telling all of the "Orphan Jokes":

If it's NOT "Funny", then DON'T POST IT!

"If you can't win, lose."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.

I guess they're whore-ible.

What did the talking rope say to the man?

"Just hang in there."

Why can orphans only watch G-rated movies?

Because they have no parental guidance.

Asking for a friend, could anyone please tell me how to politely ask a question for a friend?

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.