Actuality jokes

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple actually got picked.

Why do orphans play GTA?

'Cause they're actually wanted.

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

One's actually picked.

Why is Homelander an orphan's favorite superhero?

Because they can actually land a home.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

What's a Ninja's worst fear?

Garmadon actually winning.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

Wanna hear a joke? My life! Hahahah! Just kidding, jokes actually mean something...

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.

I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.

Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple actually gets picked.

Why is the white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?

Because the white guy actually did it.

Me: *posts random joke about a duck*

That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."

That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."

Bro it’s a joke...

I have a short TRUE story of how I found out my brother was gay and did "it" with his best friend.

When my brother was 12-13 years old, he fucked his best friend and I saw it. I was like 4-5 years old, UNDERSTANDING what "it" stood for at the time. All I heard was "ahh" and "mmm". The only thing that traumatized me the most was when my brother moaned "daddy". I was so traumatized that I told my mother about it, she rolled her eyes and said, "He's probably playing a game with Evan". BULLSHIT... NO YOU DUMBASS. He was playing the game "SEX", more like "GAY SEX".

I even told my father and he said, "I don't understand what you're trying to say". I told him DIRECTLY that I heard my brother say "daddy" to his damn best friend!

I actually got so curious, I opened the door and saw them doing "69". I was blank white after I saw it. I will NEVER forget that he did "it" with his own best friend.. NEVER forget about it.

(just a btw, I still have the image stuck in my head and never forget how YOUNG he was..)

(He ain't no virgin anymore I guess lmfao.)

(MORE STORIES COMING SOON =D)

I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

*I was actually up all night watching.*

Actually, it isn't a bear joke, but bear with me here...