Actuality jokes

What do you call an orphan who likes football?

Because someone will actually give him something.

Why is a white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?

The white guy actually did it.

What's the difference between what Bill Cosby did and what OJ Simpson did? OJ Simpson's victims actually suffered and I actually feel bad for them (the boyfriend at least).

Did you know penguins can actually fly if thrown hard enough... Just like children.

A gay couple actually goes to heaven. Turns out Jesus was a hypocrite.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

Actually, I shouldn't spread it.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple actually got picked.

Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.

Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?

Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

What is the difference between an adopted kid and an orphan?

If you're adopted, you're actually wanted.

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag. OK, I’m joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.

What's the difference between an apple tree and an orphan?

The apples actually get picked.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

There were once these two twins. One twin, no matter what happened, was always pissed off, while the other one was always happy.

This baffled scientists, so they ran an experiment on the twins to figure out what was happening. They took the angry one and left him in a room with all of the latest technology and the most expensive toys and left him overnight. When they came back, he was still grumpy. When they asked him why, he said, "None of these are actually mine, and you left me in here all night, so I'm angry!"

His explanation was reasonable, so they ran another experiment on the other kid. This time, they left him overnight in a room that was literally just filled with horse shit. When they came back to check on him the next morning, he was still smiling. When they asked him why, he said, "With all of this horse crap, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Why do orphans play GTA?

'Cause they're actually wanted.

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.