Action jokes
I did not.
What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a wank.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
What time is it when you smell garbage? Time to run!
Chuck Norris once did a roundhouse kick... and successfully completed the bottle cap challenge.
A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."
There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."
There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."
There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."
There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."
Then it all happened.
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish came up and caught the fly.
The bear came out and caught the fish.
The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.
The mouse went for the sandwich.
The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.
The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.
The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.
Some people can juggle chainsaws. Chuck Norris can juggle people juggling chainsaws.
Q: How do you get the retard kid out of the tree?
A: Wave at him.
I just shed my pants.
If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan. I mean, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.
Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.
Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.
He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.
Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.
Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.
Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.
"Actions speak louder than words."
This doesn't apply to Stephen Hawking, however...
One man walked into a bar. A second man walked into a bar, but the third guy ducked.
Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?
A: You wave at them.
Your mom is so stupid, she thought eating ass was cannibalism.