I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.
Some people can juggle chainsaws. Chuck Norris can juggle people juggling chainsaws.
Q: How do you get the retard kid out of the tree?
A: Wave at him.
I just shed my pants.
If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan. I mean, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.
Sat at a busy intersection with a slice of bread, waiting for a traffic jam.
Cut a hole in the rug so he could see a dirty floor show.
He took hay to bed to feed his nightmare.
Took a tape measure to bed to see how long he slept.
Put his nose out the window so the wind will blow it.
Died with his boots on because he didn't want to hurt his toes when he kicked the bucket.
"Actions speak louder than words."
This doesn't apply to Stephen Hawking however...
Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?
A: You wave at them.
Your mom is so stupid, she thought eating ass was cannibalism.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."
(Bob holds Deric's neck)
Deric: "Water, what are you doing?"
When the emo kid is about to hang himself in the school bathroom, and the autistic kid starts swinging the rope like Indiana Jones!
Dang, it got ketchup on my sleeve. What do I do?
Spread the love!
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.
I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
