Accident jokes
What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?
"Get off me homes."
Why didn't Sally get home from work?
She got hit by a bus.
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"
I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Kobe Bryant never missed a shot.
But he nailed that mountain.
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: He got shot.
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.
My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.
I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.
I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
A blind man walked into a bar, a table, and a chair.