Accident jokes

My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

What kind of pizzas did they last order at the World Trade Center?

Two large planes!

Go Kermit, toaster bath.

A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.

To not be outdone, the blond retorts:

"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"

Yo mama so fat, she fell in love with a skinny dude and tried to hug him but crushed him.

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.

My pee pee fell off.

My wife was run over.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?

Almost took out the whole trailer park.

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

What did the chef on the Titanic scream as he tried to finish the dishes? "Oh no, the sink sank!"

My uncle got really badly burned the other day.

They don't fuck around at the crematorium.

I made someone a PB and J sandwich... they died.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"

My sister was at Sixth Street and someone stepped on her toes and she bled, so she called the police! XD

What's yellow all over and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.